In this episode I talked to Michelle, Kacie talks about how she manages her anxiety to be involved in lots of pagan events, and you get a sneak preview of next week's full-length episode with Jayne of Fantasycore Creations.
Snack Size 9.
Michelle, Anxiety, and Fantasycore Creations
Welcome back to Your Average Witch, Snacksize Edition number 9. In this episode I talked to Michelle, Kacie, and Jayne. Kacie talks about how she manages her anxiety to be involved in lots of pagan events, and you get a sneak preview of next week's full length episodes of Jayne of FantasyCore Creations. First, Michelle talks about how she feels about whether or not being a witch is a choice.
Kim: Hi, Michelle.
Michelle: Hi!
Kim: How are you?
Michelle: I'm good. How are you?
Kim: I am very tired. Oh well. And also hungry.
Michelle: I had to grab some snacks. I like munched on a cucumber from the garden, in a piece of ham.
Kim: A la Macy.
Michelle: I was starving. Yeah.
Kim: Would you please tell me if you believe that being a witch is a choice?
Michelle: I do not. Actually, I guess maybe my perspective on it is that I started my spiritual awakening a little over three years ago, and I am in my late 40s. I am 48. And so it's probably been that part of me that has been missing that I have been searching for since I was probably late teens. But where I'm from, you know, we had goth kids, or I'm sorry, emo. Emo kids and, you know, everybody else, you know, and so I guess I didn't understand at the time that there was that option. I always searched for it in other avenues, like going to different churches, and things like that. But coming into this later in life, this is the piece that's the part of me, and the last piece of the puzzle, that has been missing this whole time. So for me, no, it's not a choice. It would be like denying who I am.
Kim: Do you feel like practicing witchcraft is a choice?
Michelle: Yeah, that I do. Because you can say you're something all day long, but not, you know, I could say, you know, I am a devout Catholic and never step into a church. So it's your choice whether or not you, you know, take part in that. But yes, and that's, I think we all, also, as witches, go through times where we feel a little disconnect. And have to step back a little maybe, but I don't think that's not practicing. I think that's sometimes centering your energy around yourself in a way that you might have to pull back. Does that make sense?
Kim: Can you, if I told you you have to stop right now, can you stop?
Michelle: No. No, no, no. And I wouldn't. And just a little backstory, short, but sweet. But these last three and a half years for me, I have experienced some pretty traumatic trauma. Not towards me, but some people very close to me have been going through some things, but that directly affected me. I was also diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I'm cancer free, yay! Woohoo!
Kim: Yay!
Michelle: But I went some pretty, pretty dark places. It was a real struggle for me, and I think that had I not had witchcraft, had I not found myself through that? You know, I mean, you know, too, also when you're going through the spiritual awakening, it's shadow work and you're diving deep and you're, you know, discovering all these things about yourself and you're looking at people through a different lens and you're, you're really, really, you know, just dig in deep to become a better person. And then when you're slapped with other things, I mean, it can really send you to a place that you don't want to come out of. And had I not had witchcraft, had I not found some very close loving friends that are also witches, to support me and be there for me, I don't know that I would be talking to you right now, to be quite honest. So for me, absolutely not. I'm it's not going anywhere. Not at all. I mean, you know, they can come to my knock on my door right now and tell me it's illegal, and I'd be like, all right, let me grab my candles, handcuff me, let's go.
Kim: If you go through some shit, witches are who you want to be on your side.
Michelle: Oh, absolutely.
Kim: But also, if you cross them... Look out.
Michelle: I know, right? Right. I don't have to grab all my herbs. I can just sit here and energetically mess with you a little bit if I really wanted to. You can take, you can strip all the tools from me, and I'm still going to practice witchcraft. You know, that's that's kind of how I see it. It's not going anywhere for me.
Kim: And now would you please tell me a story about a spell that you've done? Any spell. First spell, last spell, most recent spell, funniest, worst, most explosive.
Michelle: Well, thankfully I haven't had an explosive ones. My dad was a firefighter, so I'm really good at fire safety. Which is a good thing because I love candle magic. But I had a couple that came to mind when you said that to me, but a couple were for other people. And so I'm not going to, I'm not going to share that because it gets kind of, you know, that can get pretty deep. And I don't want to cross that line. But the most recent one I did that was very successful that it's also kind of funny. Did you hear it? So my money bowl spell... I lost my train of thought,I apologize. Before Anahata's I was a little low on funds, you know, like some of us are. And I was like, you know, I've never really done like a prosperity bowl. So I put some work into that. I wanted it to be, which this is kind of funny when I get to the end of the story, but I wanted to be like a slow building abundance, prosperity, money. I wanted it rolling in, but nice and even. I don't, I didn't need, you know, a check in the mail the next day or anything. And it was a really beautiful spell. I put a lot of time and energy into it. And the next day I got a check in, this just is just great, from Navient student loan collector people, where they had been part of a class action lawsuit.
Kim: Ha ha!
Michelle: Oh yeah, I got my $250 check. Like literally like a day or two later. And my husband got child support check where he had overpaid. I still haven't shared the story with him. He showed me the check and I was just like, huh. Okay. So that now is my bowl that I will be feeding and recharging every waxing moon phase. And that was the first time I used like, the lunar magic along with it. I've always done, I do the spell when I feel like it's right. So if the moon phase isn't in alignment with that, whatever, it's when I feel it. And I still am of that mindset. But that was the first time that I was like, "Okay, we're taking the moon phase. We're taking the day. All of that." And really put a lot of time and energy in that. So that was super awesome. Just gave me some spending money at Anahata's, so it was great.
Kim: Nice. Well, thanks for talking to me.
Michelle: Well, thank you. It was fun.
Kim: I'll talk to you later.
Michelle: I will talk to you later.
Kim: Bye.
Michelle: Bye bye!
Kim: Next Kacie tells us about how she became part of the DFW Witch community.
Kacie: Hey, y'all. It's Kacie coming at you from my little corner of the world with another story from my adventures in the places you'll find the average witch. Recently, I helped run the 7th annual DFW Pagan Unity Festival, including saying an invocation during the public ritual and running the raffle booth. And it's got me thinking about what got me to that first festival, and how far I've come to be able to speak during this year's open ritual.
Nearly 10 years ago, I celebrated a cycle of completion by holding a Chaco Golden Knee Tarantula named Arachne. It was a culmination of the previous decade's work to overcome the Arachnophobia that had once been so bad it was affecting my quality of life. And kept me from doing things that I loved, like camping, gardening, or just taking my kids on nature walks without hysterics on my part. I decided something had to change, because I didn't want my kids to suffer the same way.
So I went to work. I didn't have access to professional mental health care system. No insurance, and you know, my state doesn't cover that. But I did have a talent for research. I had previously been through some cognitive behavioral therapy, so did have a good base. I learned how people were being treated to help them overcome their phobias, and proceeded to spend the following decade, pretty much applying those techniques to myself as best I could. Which, of course, I celebrated by becoming a tarantula mom and ultimately holding one to show myself I could do it.
With that accomplished, I decided to start the process all over again and tackle another fear holding me back from living my best life, my social anxiety.
To me, the two fears felt very similar. The fear of spiders and the fear of peopleing, my body reacted similarly when triggered. The panic attacks and the waves of anxiety-induced nausea felt the same. So that was how I proceeded. I researched to develop the tools needed to adapt. The exposure to the trigger, recovery from exposures, and try again. I began exploring the community online, joining local and like-minded groups. I read all I could, if it would help me understand my bipolar diagnosis, and what tools I could use to live my life as fully as I could manage without spiraling out of control. I joined online groups of local witches, volunteered for local community cleanup groups in my kids' schools.
I struggled. I made bad choices at times, and trusted the wrong people, reminding me why I was so isolated in the first place. I repeated the same patterns of my childhood until I learned to change. For some reason, I didn't give up. I remembered the advice of a counselor in high school who had told me, join the student council for a safe place to practice speaking with a built-in community. I had been struggling at the time and my speech class had set me to the counselor and the counselor thought, hmm, that'll do it, student council. And it did. I remembered being able to speak when I had a job to do, and a script prepared for me. I remembered the camaraderie that came from pulling off community projects.
That memory kept me motivated to keep trying. I knew I could find something like that. It was that safe zone for growth that I was determined to find when I saw a flyer for that, for what was then called the DFW Pagan Pride Day. I figured it would be a good place to take my next steps in peopleing, flying solo. Until then, I had leaned on family members as a crutch to support me in these efforts. Made my sister volunteer with me to clean up around town. My mom would go to classes with me so I wouldn't have to do them alone. Now, I wanted to try it alone.
The event needed volunteers and I had a day of classes planned, familiar territory for me. The combo felt like the community comfort zone that I had once found in student council. You know, I thought I had a lead. I volunteered to help with the vendor set up since it was the least amount of, since that was when the least amount of people would be there. Plus, my anxiety prefers if I'm there early so I can settle into a place. I had arranged to be dropped off for the day so there would be no running away. I could not panic and get in my car and leave. I had emailed about volunteering and got all the details so I knew exactly where I needed to be and when. And I got my script. "Hi, I'm Kacie. I'm here to help. Is there anything I can do for you?" Those magical words broke the ice for me and got me started.
They were my talisman, warding off waves of uncertainty and induced anxiety. They got me through my shift and once I was done, I went to every class and participated in every ritual just as I planned. It ended up being a life-changing experience. I was in a space with a wide variety of people from various aspects of the local pagan community, and felt absolutely welcomed and supported. Living in the Bible belt, you're sometimes made to feel isolated and alone if you're not a Christian. That day I thought I had never really been alone.
We were everywhere. I barely spoke that day, and people were so patient with me when I did speak, but not loud enough to be heard the first time. I was welcomed into ritual spaces even though I was a solitary practitioner, something I'd never thought possible. And I learned new things by listening to perspectives I'd never heard before. I needed more. I kept working on my social anxiety issues, knowing that was my way to more community feelings like I experienced that day surrounded by the pagans of the greater Dallas Fort Worth region.
My eagerness sometimes led me to make mistakes in judgment. I still miss red flags that would have saved me some heartache. I set myself back at times but I kept choosing to do the work. I kept practicing, riding the waves of anxiety as they gradually went from a tsunami that would knock me on my backside, to a gentle lapping I could walk through when I was strong enough. The following year I was back to volunteer, but a couple of things were different. The event would now be known as the DFW Pagan Unity Fest, and I had a new job of handing out site tokens to every vendor and guest for the duration of my shift.
I had to talk to people. I was supposed to yell for people to come to me, but I couldn't get my throat to work that way. So I would run around making sure no one got past me without one of the stringed charms that acted as the count for how many guests we had in attendance. It was terrifying, honestly, but I felt really good afterwards. I needed recovery time, but I still looked forward to the following year. Each year I kept coming back, taking on more responsibility and learning to use my voice.
A few years ago I was asked to join the coordinating committee as the volunteer coordinator. I was to become the very person that had welcomed me into this event and community in the first place. And that was how I was asked to join with my fellow coordinating committee members to help write and lead this year's open ritual. Me, a solitary practitioner! I never thought I would do such a thing unless I joined a group and gave up solitary life. I thought I had to conform. But I didn't.
Here I was, a solitary hedgewitch, being given the space and trust to write my own script from my own unique perspective. I didn't have to fit any standard ritual. We were fine blending all of our different practices together. Them with their groups that they had a history with, and me being a solitary. And it is all because of that that I finally insisted my entire family be there. I had once protected that day as my time alone but in recent years my oldest two sons had started volunteering. And this year, my sister volunteered in my mom drove in from out of state to help out. Plus my husband and youngest made it up in time to see the ritual and the raffle. I was really happy to have them there to support me.
On the way home and later that night my loved ones kept telling me how proud they were to see me come so far, and do what I did. My husband said it was the loudest he'd ever heard me speak in public. I was yelling during that raffle. And yes, I can speak in front of strangers now, when I'm prepared to do so. But I can do so much more as well. And I really need to stop and appreciate how much work I did to get to that point. It wasn't easy.
It still isn't easy. It required me to keep choosing to do the work, and that took me to each next step of the way. I needed to say yes, over and over again, and to show up, because I saw something I wanted to be a part of. And to keep it available for myself and others like myself, I knew I needed to show up and help make that a safe place that I could thrive and grow once again. I needed to heal old wounds with new memories. And I'm so glad I did.
I'm happier now than I ever was before I started doing all this work to conquer the fears that hold me back. I never would have made it to Anahata's Purpose if I hadn't begun that journey. Never would have met Kim or any of the other folks in the WBAH universe that now means so much to me. And never would have been invited to join the crew of the North Texas Irish Festival. An event I attended as a child and dreamed about working at. My first year at the event I won Volunteer of the Year. Me! In the building that I was working in.
This year will be my third year working the event and I will be a volunteer manager for the first time. I'm nervous, but a healthy kind of nervous. When I think about it, I'm not feeling the waves of panic I once would have a decade ago when I started this journey. I know I've put in years of work to get to where I am right now and earn the chance to lead my own crew. I look back and see I am absolutely capable of this new role and any other opportunity I draw my way, as I continue to heal and grow and find my place in my own little corners of the world.
And I want you to know you can do it too. You are absolutely capable of all the new roles you are drawing your way, and of creating for yourself safe spaces for your community and for people like yourself. If you want to hear more about this year's DFW Pagan Unity Fest and other witchy friendly events, be sure to subscribe to my channel over at youtube.com/@kaciescorner, and follow my socials linked in this episode's description. If you're interested in finding out more about the international event that is the North Texas Irish Festival, happening annually the first weekend in March and maybe plan a trip to come visit me in the food building for some taste testing and demonstrations, check out their website at www.ntif.org. Thank you again to Kim for having me over for a snack-sized visit. See you all on the interwebs!
Kim: Finally, you get a snippet of my conversation with Jayne from her upcoming episode.
Jayne: *fade in* I feel like people are more genuine on there because we see each other...
Kim: Oh God. At the bottom, at the bottom!
Jayne: We see each other first thing in the morning when we haven't even really opened our eyes.
Kim: Brushed anything. Yeah, literally it's dark in the room where we are.
Jayne: Yeah.
Kim: We have not gotten out of bed. We're still in bed.
Jayne: I know I've gone on there and cried over craft things, over my kids, over, you know, I have a headache and I can't handle this feeling. Like we see each other in all of our ups and downs. I don't know about you, but if I'm feeling crappy and like I'm going to cry over everything, I'm not leaving the house. I'm going to cancel that coffee date I made with somebody.
Kim: That's true.
Jayne: So I definitely feel like there's a more intimate feeling there than I've had with a lot of people.
Kim: I love our group so much.
Jayne: I do too.
Kim: Every time it comes up, I say that I know, but I do. I love you all. I love all of you.
Jayne: We love you too. And I love you.
Kim: Ahhhh! So what is your biggest struggle when it comes to witchcraft? *fade out*
Kim: Be sure to check out her episode next week on the new moon of the 23rd, perfect for your post-eating day activities. After the MSt3K Turkey Day marathon is over of course. That's it for this episode. Thanks for listening and I'll see you when the moon changes.